Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/HUMOR21-30/hum026

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Date:         Sat, 5 Mar 1994 07:53:54 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00026"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

HUMOR026
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 13:44:57 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Quotation du jour

"Let's get down to some really important trivia...."
                -Wink Martindale, on "Trivial Pursuit," July 1993
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 13:02:05 -0600
From:         Evelyn Clement <[e-mail]>
Subject:      T-Shirt

I saw this in a church literature and supply catalog.  Someone really took
an innocent for a ride. But I wish I had ordered one.  The message was
                 HOLY SHIRT
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 14:15:56 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Daydreaming at Work

From "The Globe and Mail", Toronto, Tuesday, August 10, 1993.

In Your Working Dreams

        Daydreaming at work -- especially if it involves having sex with a
co-worker -- is pretty much the norm amomg office workers, says a new
survey conducted by Exec magazine. The survey says 80 per cent of men and
51 per cent of women have libidinous fantasies at work, while 51 per cent
of workers tend to drift off at some point during presentations. Fantasies
run from the ridiculous -- nude golf with co-workers -- to the bizzare --
taking power in a "bloodless coup" and then launching "a diabolical reign
of terror" against co-workers.
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 11:41:12 -0700
From:         Ken Smith <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Wanted:  Humerous quotes

        Hello everyone, if have any cute, humorous, nasty ... quotes, could
you send them onto our humor list or directly to me.  I need some for my
impatient users; they like to read a new one on a weekly basis and I have ran
out.  I would really appreciate your mailings.

Thanks much.

- Ken Smith      IN%"[e-mail]"
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 14:46:39 EDT
From:         Evelyn Duncan <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Akron
Subject:      Re: Wanted:  Humerous quotes

On Tue, 10 Aug 1993 11:41:12 -0700 Ken Smith said:
>        Hello everyone, if have any cute, humorous, nasty ... quotes, could
>you send them onto our humor list or directly to me.  I need some for my
>impatient users; they like to read a new one on a weekly basis and I have ran
>out.  I would really appreciate your mailings.

Well, one that I know off the top of my head is the one I presently use in
my sig file:  Eternal life is too short to wait for a table.

This was spoken by Lacroix in the TV show Forever Knight.

>
>Thanks much.
>
>- Ken Smith      IN%"[e-mail]"

Evelyn Duncan
       Internet:  [e-mail]
       Bitnet:    R3EJD@AKRONVM

Even eternal life is too long to wait for a table.
                      -- Lacroix
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 15:03:00 EDT
From:         "Michael B. Smith" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      quotes

you cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd
            author unknown to me.

screaming ducks: making the easy impossible.
            state college band with their logo and phrase

fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity
            author unknown to me

eventhough 2 birds tied together have four wings, they cannot fly.
              unknown
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 16:07:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Wanted: Humerous quotes

My current favorite:

"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your
temper or your self-confidence." Robert Frost

==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 13:31:25 -0800
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      quotes

Education is man's (and woman's) going forward from cocksure ignorance to
thoughtful uncertainty.  unknown

Larry Richards, Manager, University Computing Labs
Eastern Washington University
Internet: [e-mail]
Phone: [phone]  US Mail: Mail Stop 89, Cheney, WA 99004
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 13:34:13 PT
Comments:     CO1      PSJAB    08/10/93 13:34:19 SSW1
From:         Jim Bakker SCO 32 <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Wanted: Humerous quotes

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as much as you please.

Mark Twain
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 13:46:51 -0700
From:         Ken Smith <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Rated PG

Lord grant me the
serenity to accept
the things I cannot
change, the courage
to change the things
I can and the wisdom
to hide the bodies
of those people I
had to kill because
they pissed me off.

- Ken Smtih    IN%"[e-mail]"

Ellensburg Washington     Central Washington University
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 15:22:36 -0600
From:         Jill Harlow <[e-mail]>
Subject:      HUMUROUS SAYINGS

Whoever said money can't buy happiness is shopping in the wrong places.

Don't play stupid with me.  I'm better at it!

It's not cute being this easy.

Mary had a little lamb.  The doctor was suprised.

Paranoid: Someone who just figured out what's going on.

Heck is for people who don't believe in gosh.

Teamwork is essential.  It allows you to blame someone else.

He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.

Laters.  Jill
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 17:07:20 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Village couple beheaded for eloping

I just read in the UPI newswire for 8/9/93 that a young Indian couple
who eloped from the village of Handarawali, 100 km NE of New Delhi,
were executed by village council when they came back 5 months later to
seek their parents' blessing last weekend. This generated tension in
the region, prompting authorities to send in police reinforcements and
the guy who did the beheading with the sword was arrested.

Man, talk about people losing their heads when they fall in love.
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 17:24:00 -05
From:         Linda Guy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      more t-shirts(adult lang.)

I Have P.M.S. and E.S.P.
That Makes Me A Bitch Who Knows It All.

Men Are Idiots!
And I married their king.

CRAPE DIEM
("Another shitty day")

I Suffer From CRS
(Can't Remember Shit)

IT NEVER FAILS:
If It Has Tires, Or Testicles It's Gonna Cause You Trouble!

Linda S. Guy
IVTC - Northcentral
South Bend, IN
LGUY@IVY
==========
Date:         Tue, 10 Aug 1993 17:40:00 -0400
              Ithaca College" <[e-mail]>
From:         "Jim Mica (Jimbo), Office of Admission,
              Ithaca College" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      humorous sayings

As it is more blessed to give than receive, so it must be
more blessed to receive than to give back.
                               ---Robert Frost

If a child shows himself to be incorrigible,
he should be decently and quietly beheaded
at the age of twelve, lest he grow to
maturity, marry and perpetuate his kind.
                   --Don Marquis
"Romantic love is a willing suspension of disbelief in order to be
entertained."         --Rita Mae Brown

Behind almost every woman you ever heard of stands a man who let her down.

                          Naomi Bliven
Social confusion has now reached a point at which the pursuit of
immorality turns out to be more exhausting than compliance with the old
moral codes.

                           Denis De Rougemont

I have always loved truth so passionately that I have often
resorted to lying as a way of introducing it into the minds
which are ignorant of its charms.   ---Casanova

"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely
obnoxious."

                       --William Feather

Men should not try to overstrain their goodness more than any
other faculty.              --Samuel Butler

Giving a man space is like giving a dog a computer: the chances are
he will not use it wisely.            --Bette-Jane Raphael
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 00:06:15 EDT
From:         Bill <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Political humor

Political humor via *The Santa Cruz Comic News*

---(Thompson)---
Uncle Ivan: Were trying to learn the principles of American style
democracy. But all we have is a congress and president mired in petty,
partisan gridlock. Uncle Sam: You Russians learn fast.

---(Wright)---
Batman (actually Bruce Wayne) Superman (actually Clark Kent) Captain
Gridlock (actually Bob Dole)

The Republican elephant tells all: Here's the strategy: We win the
presidency campaigning against the deficit. Then for 12 years we create
the biggest, messiest deficit in history. The other party wins the White
House and tries to fix it. We block all efforts. Causing an even bigger,
messier deficit which we blame on the Democrats. So we can get elected
President again.

Russell didn't care about pines or oaks or leaves or spotted owls. He
cared about ... JOBS! Until he got cancer and nearly died. The only
thing that saved him was a drug from something that grew in the forest.
Now ... Russell is a tree-hugger.

Teenager: Hey, dad--Marvin and I are going to hit the streets, knock
back a little booze and check out the broads. Dad: Be home by midnight
or you're grounded for a week.

---(Tom Tomorrow)---
Health care reform is on the way ... and in think tanks across
Washington, medical industry lobbyists are rehearsing their sound bites
for appearances on MacNeil-Lehrer and Nightline...

Expert: If you look at this in context ... Expert: In point of fact ...
Expert: The thing to keep in mind ... Expert: It's important to remember
...

One of their top priorities is to discredit the idea of a Canadian-style
single-payer system ... since this is difficult to do factually, they
must rely on disparaging innuendo ...

Expert: Why--Congress can't even balance a checkbook--and you want to
put them in charge of open heart surgery? Ha, Ha!

So far, they have succeeded in portraying the single-payer system--which
would guarantee access to health care for all, but would end the
insurance industry as we know it--as an assault upon cherished American
freedoms ...

Expert: ... they even want to choose your doctor for you! Consumer:
Why--what an outrage! If I can ever afford to go to a doctor, I
certainly want to choose him myself!

Reform is inevitable, however, so lobbyists are pushing a plan they find
less objectionable: Managed competition, which proposes to reduce health
costs through good old-fashioned dog-eat-dog free-market competition ...

Surgeon: Okay--I'll do the bypass for $2,500--and I'll even throw in the
anesthesia for free. Patient: All right--it's a deal. Surgeon:
Nurse--get his wallet.

==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 11:29:10 +0000
From:         KondrotasS <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Ethnic (mild sex)

A "choukcha"-man (Far North Russian equivalent of eskimo) was given an orange
for the first time in his life. He liked the fruit very much. Asked to describe
his impressions, he said: "I's good, very good, almost as good as fucking".

-- This is REALLY old stuff. I don't even know why I'm posting such old things.
What a shame... maybe I'll punish myself and eat an orange or something. Saul.
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 12:23:05 +0100
From:         Dirk-Willem van Gulik <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Ethnic (SX)

What's the simularity between Real American beer and
sailing on a sailing-boat?

Answer:It's both fucking close to water !

(Source Caroline & Matthijs, JRC, Ispra, Italia. Dreamt up)
(after some serious night sailing on Laggo Maggiore       )
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 12:29:51 NFT
From:         Turgut Kalfaoglu <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Ethnic (SX

On Wed, 11 Aug 1993 12:23:05 +0100  Dirk-Willem van Gulik
<[e-mail]> had said:
>
>What's the simularity between Real American beer and
>sailing on a sailing-boat?
>Answer:It's both fucking close to water !

I heard of it slightly differently: What is the similarity
between Michelob and making love in a canoe? They are both
f*king close to water :)

-turgut
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 06:52:00 CDT
From:         "Lee, Brad" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Quotes (may be sexually offensive to some)

     I heard this one outside a bar in Honduras frequented by American GI's,
right before a fight broke-out:
     "So, when you kiss her, do you taste me?"

     This one was uttered by a comic who was being heckled by an obnoxious
female in the crowd of a comedy club:
     "Look lady, do I run around knocking dicks out of your mouth when
you're trying to work?"

==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 07:58:32 EST
From:         DARON MCNAB <[e-mail]>
Organization: State University of New York - Central Administration
Subject:      Fortune Cookie (adult theme)

This was seen inside a huge fortune cookie in Atlantic City, NJ.:
He who goes to bed with an itchy ass,
Wakes up with a stinky finger.
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 08:08:00 EDT
From:         "Sammie L. Foss" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      quote (clean

my favorite is:

               Tact- the ability to tell someone to go straight to
               hell, and have them go merrily on their way.
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 08:16:34 EST
From:         Lynne Seamans <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Limerick

There was a math student from Trinity
Who took the square root of infinity.
  The number of digits
  Gave him the fidgets
So he dropped math and took up divinity.
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 14:16:31 METDST
From:         Nico Verboven <[e-mail]>
Subject:      quote (clean

    " If builders build buildings the way programmers
      write progams, then the first woodpecker that
      passes by would destroy civilization. "

==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 13:34:24 GMT
From:         Bob Lansley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Limerick (mildly offensive) ......

There was a young lady from Ealing,
Who once had a very strange feeling,
She laid on her back,
And opened her crack,
And pee'd right up to the ceiling.
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 07:47:49 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Nothing to Do #3 (clean & silly)

        PRACTICAL AND AMUSING THINGS TO DO

        Practice writing your name.
        Check your pulse.
        Listen for burglars.
        Take off all your clothes and look
           over your shoulder in the mirror.
        Look behind things and under stuff.
        Sit quietly and listen to your ears ring.
        Devise ways to save time.
        Make shadow pictures on the wall.
        Retract your pen.
        Make funny faces in the mirror.
        Try to think of something...

+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Lester J. Pourciau                           Bitnet: Pourciau@MEMSTVX1
Director of Libraries                      Internet: [e-mail]
Memphis State University                      Voice: 901-678-2201
Memphis TN 38152 U.S.A.                         Fax: [phone]
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
           Quality is never an accident.  It is always the result
          of careful planning, attention to detail, and hard work.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 09:12:00 EST
From:         BABA <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Quotes from confucious......

---------------------------------

Confuscious says:
-----------------
Men who put cream in tart, not always a baker
Man who live in glass house should dress in basement.
Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus.
He who let woman on top is fucking up.
People who make Confuscius joke speak bad English.
Man with hands in pockets feel cocky all day.
Man who lose key to girl-friends apartment gets no new-key.
Woman who fly upside-dowm have nasty crack-up.
Woman who goes to man's apt. for snack, gets tit-bit.
Man who lay woman on ground, gets peace on earth.
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
Woman who spend much time on bedspring, may have offspring.
Man who sucks nipples makes clean breast of things.
Man with holes in pockets feels cocky all day.
Man who snatch kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.
Man who fights wife all day gets no piece at night.
He who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs.
He who plays with self, pulls boner.
Boy who go to bed with sex problem, wake up with solution in hand.
Virgin like balloon--one prick--all gone.
Girl who douches with vinegar walks around with sour puss.
Girls should not marry basketball players--they dribble before they shoot.
Man with athletic finger, make broad jump.
Man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
Baby conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission, grow up to be sh
   iftless bastard.
Wife not part of furniture, unitl screwed on bed!
Sex on beach is like american beer......fucking near water!!!!
Man walking through swing doors is going to Bankok.
Crowded elevator always smell different to midget.
Man who cut fart in church have to sit in own pew.
Baseball all wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Woman who slides down banister makes monkey shine.
Woman who springs on springs this spring gets off spring next spring.
Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, smart man spread limb.
Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Girl who marries man named Richard, must kiss Dick.
Woman with blonde hair may have black hair by crackie.
Man put in shit-house by wife end up in cat-house.
Man who go to sleep with itchy but, wake with smelly fingers.


____________________
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 09:34:34 LCL
From:         Andy Mavrias <[e-mail]>
Subject:      quotes (slightly offensive)

Heard both of these on 'Married with Children' last night:

...and remeber son, as you go out in life -
a woman is only beautiful till she's your wife.
-Al Bundy

Like I give a cat's ass.
-Buck Bundy (family dog)

L8r!
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 15:03:13 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: quote (clean

]
]my favorite is:
]
]               Tact- the ability to tell someone to go straight to
]               hell, and have them go merrily on their way.
]
] Daron.

Heh, heh!

I heard another:
                Tact- the ability to tell someone he has an open mind,
                when he has a bullet-hole in his head.

Derryck
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 10:30:46 EDT
From:         Arthur Emerson III <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Heidi - Hollywood Madam

I'm surprised that nobody has posted any jokes regarding this scandal yet.
For anybody overseas, or living in a cave, this woman Heidi ran a brothel
that catered to Hollywood's biggest stars, movie executives, and
(allegedly) professional sports players.  She got caught, and the whole
affair has Hollywood buzzing. There are rumors that the judge is going to
subpoena her black book, which contains all of her customers. The press
has nicknamed her the "Madam of the stars." Because of her sudden fame,
she is selling interviews, pictures, etc. (She is a prostitute after
all.....) I heard these prices on the radio this morning.

The movie rights to her life story, including the scandal, will be sold
for $1 million dollars.  (This is a very high price for movie rights, but
many of the top movie executives will willingly pay more for the story, to
make sure that they are NOT portrayed in the movie!)

A picture of the COVER of her black book, listing her clients, sells for
$15,000.

She's selling television interviews for $150,000.  (Considering that an
evening with Heidi, before she was caught, was only $1500, women should
now know why men don't like to just talk!)

==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 08:08:01 -0800
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Quote (clean)

Education is not the accumulation of knowledge.  It is movement from moment to
moment.  J. Krishnamurti
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 10:23:00 LCL
From:         BOWLING <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Confucious

Confucious say: Man standing on toilet, high on pot.
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 13:06:53 -0400
From:         Michael Ligas <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Strange But True Names

From "The Globe and Mail", Toronto, Wednesday, August 11, 1993

Place That Name

"Eric Gotobed, Little Snoring, England:" a real person and place,
says 'The Wall Street Journal', adding that England probably leads
the world in peculiar place names, including Crackpot, Dorking,
Fattahead, Goonbell, Giggleswick, Nether Poppleton, Wormelow Tump
and Yonder Bognie.
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 18:17:06 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Strange But True Names

]
]>From "The Globe and Mail", Toronto, Wednesday, August 11, 1993
]
]Place That Name
]
]"Eric Gotobed, Little Snoring, England:" a real person and place,
]says 'The Wall Street Journal', adding that England probably leads
]the world in peculiar place names, including Crackpot, Dorking,
]Fattahead, Goonbell, Giggleswick, Nether Poppleton, Wormelow Tump
]and Yonder Bognie.
]

O.K. I guess this is all rather "quaint".. but anyway, here are
a couple more:

Middle Wallop, Climping...

Watch this space for more.. :)

Derryck
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 12:18:23 -0600
From:         Evelyn Clement <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More place names

Closer to
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 12:20:22 -0600
From:         Evelyn Clement <[e-mail]>
Subject:      more places

Indiana has 'Gnaw Bone' and Tennessee has Shake Rag
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 10:41:11 -0800
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Place names

Pennsylvania has Blue Ball and Intercourse.  Washington state has Humptulips
(I am not making this up), Twisp and Zilla.  There is also a town called George
in the state of Washington.
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 13:50:44 -0400
From:         Patti Johnson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      place names

... and North Carolina has a Lizard Lick and a Farmville
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 12:08:00 MDT
From:         Spit Bounces <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Not until the fat lady sings

Theoretically the final and canonical list of soundtracks for the parted
pecker has been posted but my wife added one yesterday that I think
warrants inclusion.
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 14:12:23 EST5EDT
From:         Jim Brown <[e-mail]>
Organization: The College of William and Mary
Subject:      Place Names

...and Virginia has Assowoman
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 12:10:00 MDT
From:         Spit Bounces <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Fat lady singing--oops

Hit the wrong key and sent without letting the big girl have her say.

It's My Party and I Can Cry If I Want To (only pronounce party like potty)

Off to do penance for the boo boo.
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 14:16:24 EDT
From:         Larry Kyrala <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: source of humor...

> eventhough 2 birds tied together have four wings, they cannot fly.
>               unknown

Wasn't this in that movie "Circle of Fire?" with David Carredine? (sp)
_______________________________________________________________________________

 "To be, or not to be...
  Not to be."
                          - Arnold Schwartzeneger, "Last Action Hero"
                            (lighting cigar as castle blows up around him)
                                    _ __ ___ ____ _____ ______ _______ ________

                                    Internet :  [e-mail]
_______________________________________________________________________________
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 14:24:40 -0400
From:         Itchy 'N' Scratchy <[e-mail]>

Subject: ha

Q: What do you call someone who used to be homosexual?
A: Ben Gay?

fire!
-DPM
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 13:28:55 -0600
From:         Allecia Powell <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Place Names

From:   MSUVX1::APOWELL      11-AUG-1993 13:25:40.52
To:     IN%"[e-mail]"
CC:     APOWELL
Subj:   RE: Place Names

Tina Turner is from Nut Bush, Tennessee.  Tennessee also has a town called Salt
Lick.
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 11:23:11 PT
Comments:     CO1      PSJAB    08/11/93 11:23:52 SSW1
From:         Jim Bakker SCO 32 <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: humorous quotes

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend

Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read....

Groucho Marx
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 14:35:47 EDT
From:         Tom Nipper <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Tuna Joke

I heard this from an old girlfriend:

Q. What is the real purpose for the female bellybutton ?

A. To provide the male a U-turn when smelling the TUNA !!!
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 14:41:00 EDT
From:         "Rich.Carl" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Places to Remember

...been to England and saw these real--and suggestive--places:

        Maidenhead, Peniston, Scuntsthorpe

Then there is the less-provocative village in Yorkshire called Appletreewick.

How about you British subscribers:  any other town names that ring a bell?
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 14:53:16 -0400
From:         Mike Thompson <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More place (cont'd)

In Maryland, we have Boring, Cockeysville, Flintstone, Rising Sun,
Scaggsville, and Suitland (not a place to purchase attire).
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 15:16:15 EDT
From:         BETH WOODELL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Institutionalization; contains some discussion of abortion

I am reminded of a class in genetics I took as part of my degree in biology
at State University of New York at Albany, one of the best-kept secrets in
quality higher education. This was fall semester 1977 and I was attending
on scholarship. From my financial aid statements I knew that Albany considered
$3200 the basic budget for a student like me--tuition, room, board, transpor-
tation and books, plus about $10/week pocket money. My education was funded
by state-awarded scholarships and federal grants given to the states.

In genetics class one
day the instructor was talking about amniocentesis. Even back then the tech-
niques were good enough that an unborn baby's genetic makeup could be determined
to some extent. Certainly the cells from an amniocentesis could be examined
to see if they contained 3 chromosome #21's: a characteristic of Down's
syndrome patients. And, the instructor continued, if the parents know before
the baby is born whether the baby will suffer from Down's, they can make a
decision as to whether they can handle it emotionally, socially, morally...
and even financially. He stopped short of saying abortion was an option, but
he did say that in New York State at that time, it cost the state $5000 to
institutionalize one retarded adult for one year. (Stick with me on this one)

And in the back of a lecture hall of about 300 students, I raised my hand
and said, "Why not just send them to SUNY Albany? It only costs the state
$3200 a year to institutionalize US!"

(Disclaimer: Every word of the above is true.) Criticism on what a tasteless
crud I am may be directed to....

Beth Woodell
University of Maryland
[e-mail]
Proud alum of SUNY Albany (BS '79, MA '82)
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 15:17:57 EDT
From:         Pat Timpanaro <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Place Names

Massachusetts has Athol

New Jersey has Pepack and Gladstone
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 15:46:25 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Place Names

> Massachusetts has Athol
>
Shouldn't that be Mathachuthetts?
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 12:49:45 -0800
From:         "Graves, Mark A." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another quote

"If your only tool is a hammer, all of your problems begin to look like nails"
-- Mark Twain
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 16:06:00 EST
From:         "Shirley D. Kennedy [phone]" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: more places

Pennsylvania has Intercourse and Blue Ball.

Here in Fl, we have Yeehaw Junction.

Shirl
[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 16:19:17 -0400
From:         "SARAH M. LIBERMAN" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      "Funny" names

Hi!  I don't think this is "wierd" but when I tell people I live near
Braintree, Massachusetts, they can't stop laughing.

Sarah *Smile*
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 16:43:05 EDT
From:         Arthur Emerson III <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Strange But True Places (Offensive)

The whole Amish area in southeastern Pennsylvania, near Reading and
Harrisburg, is loaded with them.  Besides "Intercourse" and "Blue Ball",
there's a "Bird in Hand" and others.  Take a look at the map. Good thing
the Amish people don't believe in modern machinery.  Could you picture
booking a flight to Intercourse?  How about the railroad conductor yelling
"All aboard the Blue Ball express, with stops in Intercourse and Bird in
Hand." (A self-service town?)  How about the international speedway, which
could host the Intercourse 500 every year?  I know a lot of fans that
would pay good money to have track-side seats!

Did you hear about the prostitute racing team?  They couldn't win a race,
because every time their car hit 69, it blew a rod.

==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 15:45:12 -0500
From:         DEATH ANGEL <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Exsqueeeze me....

>Indiana has 'Gnaw Bone' and Tennessee has Shake Rag

Sorry folks, but as a Tennessee resident of the past 16 years, I don't think my
pride will allow that one. The town is "SHAG Rag" and is located near our fine
capital of Nashville. We also have "Skullbones, TN."

Rob
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 16:44:48 -0400
From:         "Dawn M. Shotts" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Funny rated PG

Here is one I never heard and thought you all might like.

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some
time, and finally went to a doctor.  After a thorough exam, the
physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not
exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure
for them:  you'll have to be castrated".  The man, needless to say, was
taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear
the pain.

But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the
poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.  "All right, I guess I'll
have the operation", he said.  When it was all over, the man was
understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you
begin life anew - start over from this point".

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a
new set of clothes.  The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit,
looks like you take about a 38-regular".  "That's right", exclaimed the
man, "how'd you know?"  "Well, when you've been in the business
as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up",
replied the salesman.  "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long."
"Right again," the man said.  The proprietor suggested, "And for
undershorts, I'd say a size 36."  "There's your first mistake", the
man said, "I've worn 34's for years."  "No, you're a size 36 if I've
ever seen one", said the owner.  The man replied, "I ought to know
what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34".  The owner replied,
"Well alright, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls
and give you headaches!"
                                       __
Dawn Shotts                           /  )
[e-mail]           /  / __.  , , , ____
                                    /__/_(_/|_(_(_/_/ / <_
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 17:05:42 -0400
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      in hand

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
-------------------
  A Bible in the hand is worth two on the shelf.
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 14:19:18 -0800
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Stange name places

If a couple got married in Pennsylvania and were going to honeymoon in
Colorado they could put a sign on their car that said "From Intercourse to
Climax or bust".
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 14:34:00 PST
From:         "Linda K. Dunn" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Names

Hummm...I recall seeing a "Climax" in Ohio (I think)  ;)
Linda
[e-mail]
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 16:46:38 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Place names

Louisiana has a Dry Prong and Tennessee has a Frog Jump.  (This could be
endless, couldn't it?) :-).

==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 17:20:45 CST
From:         Allyn Lord <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Arkansas
Subject:      Arkansas place names

Arkansas has some classic place names.  A few of my favorites....

Numbers:  Fifty-six, Figure Five, Number Nine

Descriptions: Best, Coy, Delight, Dowdy, Flippin, Hasty, Okay, Prim,
    and the ever-favorite Republican

Towns: Beverage Town, Bragg City, Dogpatch (yes, a real Arkansas
    town), Gin City, Greasy Corner, Gum Springs, Hicks Station

And some others:  Back Gate, Blue Ball, Blue Eye, Eros, Grubbs,
    Hogeye, Lake Dick, Needmore, Oil Trough, Overcup, Smackover,
    Tomato, Twist, and Weiner

Also note that Evening Shade REALLY IS an Arkansas town.  Actually
there are 2 Evening Shades, 2 Evening Stars, and 2 Morning Stars.





----------
Allyn Lord
The University Museum
University of Arkansas
Fayetteville, AR

[e-mail] (Internet)
alord%saturn.uark.edu@uafsysb (Bitnet)
==========
Date:         Wed, 11 Aug 1993 18:35:25 +0500
From:         Cathy Risdon <[e-mail]>
Subject:      more british noun idiosyncracies

This is from Dave Barry's 1993 daily calendar (a pithy Barry-bit for every
occasion):


England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the
food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.  Some traditional
English dishes are Toad in the Hole, Bubble and Squeak, Cock-a-Leekie Soup,
Spotted Dick, Bug-in-a-Bucket, Willie One-Polyp, Tonsil-and-Toast, Whack-a
Doodle Johnson and Fester Pudding.  Attractive displays of these dishes-
some of them dating back to the sixteenth century-can be found in bars called
"pubs", where the English traditionally gather to drink, glance at the food,
and continue to drink.
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 00:38:20 CDT
From:         David Hinz <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Strange places....(non offensive)

The notes about strange city names reminds me of a story my uncle tells.

He was travelling on business, in New Mexico.  He needed to cash a check,
and went to the bank (strangely enough).  He gave his check to the bank
teller, and she looked at it and said "O-co-no-co-mo-co-woc" (actually
'Oconomowoc')  "Gee, that's a funny name for a city!"

My uncle's response was "And Albuquerque isn't?"


Well, *I* thought it was funny.


Dave Hinz
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 10:11:19 METDST
From:         "Ing. Jan Kucera" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Quotation & epitaph

A quotation:

Education is what is left when we forget everything we learned in the school.
(I can't remember the author)

This is said to be a genuine text carved on a tombstone in a village graveyard
somewhere in GB:

Here lies what's left of William Dough
With us he is no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.
--
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 07:37:12 -0400
From:         Grady Lacy <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Place names

Georgia has a Pine Log, Social Circle, Ball Ground, Lick Skillet.  You
probably also thought that Rome, Berlin, Vienna, Seville, Athens, Cairo
were cities in Europe and Africa.  They are also right here in Georgia.
One small town is called Pavo which is Spanish for "turkey."  They thought
they were calling the town Peacock in Spanish, but didn't realize that it
took both the Spanish words in the English/Spanish dictionary that follow
peacock (pavo real) to properly translate the term into Spanish, so the
beautiful town of Peacock GA was turned into a "turkey."
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 07:06:51 EST
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      More place names

Some years ago, when I was visiting my SO's family in Australia (now
*that's* a place for place names!!), we visited some friends outside
Melbourne, at Mount Macedon (near Hanging Rock, made famous by the
Peter Weir film).

While driving around the environs, we stopped on a mountain that was
marked with a sign (probably well-known to Victorians) that read:

        "CAMELS HUMP"

-- to the end of which, some concerned citizen had added the letters,
"--ING."

Theresa Muir
Graduate Center
City University of New York
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 08:14:35 EDT
From:         Bernadette C Himaras <[e-mail]>
Subject:      places

Here in Southern Maryland we have Point-No Point and Welcome.

Also, we have Hollywood - which is located one town North of
California.
--
Bernadette Himaras
Email: [e-mail]
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 07:55:45 EDT
From:         Janice Murphy <[e-mail]>
Organization: Animal & Poultry Science
Subject:      Newfoundland place names

What about Dildo and Come-By-Chance, Newfoundland!!!!

I'm sure there are more but I can't think of them off the top of my
head - I have the map at home and I'll try to check it out for y'all!!

Ciao for niao!
Take care.

        * = * = * = * = * = * = * = * = * = * = * = * = * = * = *
        =     Janice Murphy, alias [e-mail]      =
        * = * = * = * = * = * = * = * = * = * = * = * = * = * = *
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 07:33:47 CDT
From:         Ed <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Academy

ACADEME, n.  An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

ACADEMY, n. (from academe).  A modern school where football is taught.

                                                          --Ambrose Bierce




Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their
food, and tyrannize their theachers.                            --Socrates
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 13:44:59 BST
From:         Derryck Lamptey <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Places to Remember

]
]
]...been to England and saw these real--and suggestive--places:
]
]        Maidenhead, Peniston, Scuntsthorpe
]
]Then there is the less-provocative village in Yorkshire called Appletreewick.
]
]How about you British subscribers:  any other town names that ring a bell?
]

Sorry to pour some liquid on this post:

Maidenhead is quite a good one, I just never look at it that way..
(Ooops! was that a pun?) I guess I must be real innocent :)

"Peniston", is actually Penistone, South Yorkshire, and is pronounced more
like "Penny-stone", (5 miles from me :). I like to go walking there)

"Scuntsthorpe" is also South Yorkshire, spelt Scunthorpe.

O.K. to put some back, how about:

Newton under ROseberry, near Newcastle
Affpuddle, Somerset
Staining
Giggleswick             (someone may have posted this already)
All Cannings, Wiltshire
Stair, Strathclyde (Scotland)
Apes Hall, Camridgeshire,
Ashbocking, Suffolk (I think)
Bagshit, Surrey,
(Pervious line was a typo, "Bagshot")

Great Limber
Wide Open, near Sunderland
Weekley,
UpperDicker
(Oh can I put a surname?)       "Crummey, Richard Crummey"
Sweffling
Sourhope
Dishes
Flushing (Cornwall & Scotland)

Long Itchington and lastly
Long load

Derryck
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 08:39:16 -0400
From:         Suzanne Bury <[e-mail]>
Subject:      New York Place Names

In New York, there is a real Podunk in the Finger Lakes region.

In the western Adirondacks is a place called Number Four
(named after a logging camp, I believe).



----------------------------------------------------------------
Suzanne Bury               Extension Electronic Technology Group
Phone: [phone]        B-15 Wing Hall
Fax:   [phone]        Cornell University, Ithaca, NY 14853
Email: [e-mail]
----------------------------------------------------------------
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 09:08:54 EDT
From:         "Sammie L. Foss" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      names GA

there is also a HaHira, pronounced hay-HIra
Manasses (sp?)
Blitchton
Hopulikeit pronounced  HOPE U LIKE IT   it is between Portal and Statesboro
Denmark   my home town
Cleveland
Tootterville
Dacula
Between
Center
Ila
Farmington
Greasy Corner
Daisy
Hartwell
Elberton
Toccoa
............This COULD go on forever
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 09:39:12 EDT
From:         Jeffrey R Kell <[e-mail]>
Organization: University of Tennessee at Chattanooga
Subject:      Re: Exsqueeeze me....
              11 Aug 1993 15:45:12 -0500 from <[e-mail]>

On Wed, 11 Aug 1993 15:45:12 -0500 DEATH ANGEL said:
>
>Sorry folks but as a Tennessee resident of the past 16 years, I don't think my
>pride will allow that one. The town is "SHAG Rag" and is located near our fine
>capital of Nashville. We also have "Skullbones, TN."

Lest we dare forget Gruetli-Laager, Soddy-Daisy, and Suck Creek.

How about rhyming cities?  Tennessee and North Carolina seem to be competing.
Tennessee has Nashville and Knoxville.  NC has Asheville and Mocksville.

[\] Jeff [\]
******************************
* Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, but do check for Greek
* soldiers elsewhere in its anatomy.
******************************
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 09:52:00 EDT
From:         "Rich.Carl" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Town names in Michigan

Michiganders enjoy the full spectrum of exotic towns, too. We can go from
Paradise to Hell (usually vice versa tho'), Alaska to Vulcan, Paris to Hodunk,
Moscow to East China, and Rosebush to Germfask. We celebrate Christmas. We
have a Good Hart. We farm in Free Soil. We have Honor and don't drink Hemlock
because we are proud of our Temperance. Our Republic is not an Empire but it's
close to a National City. With a Colon and a Bad Axe we belch in Felch or else
end up Mesick. We stay high and dry in Wetmore. And yah-hey to Ishpeming, 'eh!

Yes, my friends, there really IS a Kalamazoo. Trust me--I've got a gal there.

                                     :-)
.
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 09:17:54 -0500
From:         Ian Chai <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Bank for skinflints

David Hinz <[e-mail]> said
>The notes about strange city names reminds me of a story my uncle tells.
[...]

This reminds me that a couple of years ago I was driving through Missiouri when
I came across:
                UNITED MISSOURI BANK
                  Tightwad office

Yep, lo and behold, I was in the town of Tightwad. I got a great photo
of the bank's sign 8-)

Ian Chai
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 09:28:00 CDT
From:         Elizabeth Brillhart <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More Michigan Cities

There is also a Flushing and a Climax in Michigan.

Elizabeth Brillhart
[e-mail]
brillhar@fnalv
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 10:38:27 EST
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Really seen

While on vacation on Seattle, driving out to Mt. Rainier, we saw a
truck with the following sign:

"BOB'S SEPTIC TANK SERVICE.

A STRAIGHT FLUSH BEATS A FULL HOUSE"

Speaking of Flushing, isn't the one here in Queens (NYC) the most familiar
one?

Theresa Muir
Graduate Center
City University of New York
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 10:24:35 -0400
From:         Lee Bradley <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Town Joke

All these postings about fascinating town names remind me of this old
joke.

Two new assistant professors in linguistics at Auburn University were
traveling across the state to a meeting.  As they passed a road sign, the
passenger read out the sign:  Arab - 25 miles.  [He pronounced it AY-rab.]
The driver corrected him: "No, not even in Alabama.  It's got to be
pronounced AIR-ab."  "No," repeated the passenger, "I'm sure it's AY-rab!"
"AIR-ab!"
"AY-rab!"
"AIR-ab!"
"AY-rab!"
And so the argument continued.  They bet $10 and agreed to stop and ask.
When they got to Arab, they pulled into the first hamburger joint, and the
driver went up to the window.
The lady slid up the glass and in her flat local accent asked, "Kin I he'p
yew?"
"Yes," answered the professor.  "My friend and I have a bet about the
correct way to pronounce the name of this place.  Would you, very slowly
and very clearly, pronounce it for me?"
"Well, aw-right.  It's day.......ree......... QUEEN!"
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 08:09:59 -0800
From:         [e-mail]
Subject:      Idaho towns

In northern Idaho there is a small town called Hope.  As you drive down the
road you come to an even smaller town.  Its name is Beyond Hope (really!!).
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 11:53:27 EDT
From:         stu fors <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: places

Two little towns near Athens, GA are named:
Center and Between!!

Interesting names -keep them coming!!
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 09:55:00 MDT
From:         Spit Bounces <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Confucius and Place Names

Man who drink from innertube, Pierre.

And there is Toad Suck, Arkansas.
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 11:12:27 -0500
From:         David Gamble <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Places in Louisiana

Frogmore, Louisiana
Waterproof, Louisiana (known for an actual newspaper headline
                        "Waterproof Men Drown")
Cooter Point, Louisiana
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 09:18:32 PST
From:         Terry Ann Rohe <[e-mail]>
Subject:      place names

In Oregon we have Dufer, so in the Kennedy years of course it was
said, "Ask not what Dufer can do for you, but what you can do for
Dufer."
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 12:35:25 EDT
From:         Larry Kyrala <[e-mail]>
Subject:      crazy place signs...

After seeing all the place names, it reminded me of a silly pair of
signs I saw while driving from Arizona to Nevada:

You get up to the Grand Canyon area, and just before you cross the
border, you see this beautiful ravine and lake beyond... nearby a sign
says "The most scenic point in Arizona".

Then you cross into Nevada and a few meters away you see another sign
which made me take a double look:  "The most scenic point in Nevada".

Imagine that!  Two most scenic points at the same lake!!  :)
_______________________________________________________________________________

 "To be, or not to be...
  Not to be."
                          - Arnold Schwartzeneger, "Last Action Hero"
                            (lighting cigar as castle blows up around him)
                                    _ __ ___ ____ _____ ______ _______ ________

                                    Internet :  [e-mail]
_______________________________________________________________________________
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 12:52:09 LCL
From:         Andy Mavrias <[e-mail]>
Subject:      more on place names...

    While driving from Montreal(canada) to Wildwood (NJ,USA), a
friend and I started a discussion on the price of compact discs. He
said, and I quote "well I've seen ones that are $20.00 here for
$10.00 there" - as we were already in the states, I asked him if he
meant here as HERE (US) or here as in THERE (Canada). As we chuckled
over this, we both glanced at the passing roadsign which stated :

PARADOX - 1 MILE

L8r!
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 13:10:00 EST
From:         BABA <[e-mail]>
Subject:      (G)love....(Rated-R)

                   A Mismatched Pair of Gloves

.... A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart,
and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department
store and bought a pair of white gloves.  The sister purchased a
pair of panties for herself.  During the wrapping, the items got
mixed up.  The sister got the gloves, and the sweetheart got the
panties.  Without checking the contents, the man sealed the
package and sent it to her with this note...

Dearest Darling,

     This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten your
birthday.  I chose these because I noticed that you are not in
the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.  If it
had not been for your younger sister's advice, I would have
chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short
ones that are very easy to remove.  These are a delicate shade,
but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been
wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly soiled.  I had the
sales girl try them on, and she really looked smart.  I wish I
could put them on you for the time.  No doubt that other men's
hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to
see you again.  When you take them off, blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from
wearing.  Be sure to keep them on when you clean them, or they
might shrink.  I hope you will like them, and will wear them for
me on Friday night!

                         All my love....

P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year.  Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with
the fur showing.
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 12:11:15 CDT
From:         Ed <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Names

Near Normal, Illinois is the small, farming town of Oblong.  It didn't seem
that unusual a name to folks around there until the society page of the
local paper ran the headline, "Normal Man Married Oblong Woman."
==========
Date:         Thu, 12 Aug 1993 12:21:50 -0600
From:         Les Pourciau at Memphis State <[e-mail]>
Su